Estrangement

At Treign Up, we exist to help fathers in conjunction with a company of men, to train and raise boys to be competent men of Christ like character. Sometimes, these articles bleed over into the field of general parenting because the issues are not specific to just boys. This would be one of those articles, I suppose.

Over the past several years, as my ministry has become more pastoral, I have talked with a lot of parents whose children have become estranged from them. This can be a painful ordeal for any parent. In many ways it can be equivocated to losing a child to death and requires the same grieving process.

Let me start with a story that Jesus told about a rebellious and wayward son. He was a prodigal in that he spent his inheritance ‘in an extravagantly wasteful fashion’. In the process, he showed little regard or respect for his father or the family name. His actions would have brought great shame to the family.

I assume that he didn’t exchange pleasantries with his father as he bolted out the door. There was no promise him he would ‘keep him posted on his whereabouts’, or agree to behave, play it safe, or be good. He just left. The last thing the father heard was the door slamming shut behind his son. The story goes on to tell what happened to the son. Nothing is said about the father during that entire period of time the boy was wasting away his inheritance. We don’t see him again until….

“While he was still a long way off, his father saw him….”

Here’s what didn’t happen during that interim period:

-The father sent the son a barrage of emails and texts begging him to come home and asking for updates on his status.

-The father sent out spies to follow the lad and bring back reports.

-The father sat in his room and refused to come out, leaving the property to rot and decay.

We can all be certain that the father was greatly grieved. Despite the actions of our children, they are generally loved at the deepest parts of our being. A loss like this would have brought great sorrow to the father. We don’t know how long the son was gone but we can assume it was for a season. But ,every day he was gone, the father was looking for his return. He never gave up his hope that the boy would eventually come to his senses. (Verse 17 of the account in Luke says, “When he came to his senses…”) He would look out the kitchen window from his house down the long road that the boy took when he left or he would climb a nearby hill just before dusk to see as far away as he could. Perhaps it was just glances over his shoulder throughout the day when he would stop to rest from his work. The boy was always on his mind.

I can tell you one thing that he did do every day during that period:

He prayed. Regularly. Long prayers; short prayers, flair prayers. He prayed for his boy’s safety and his return. He also prayed that the boy would return to his senses; a prayer that was answered while he was still far away in the pig’s field. This point should not be lost on parents praying for their children. Even though you don’t see prayers being answered, prayers are being answered. Above all else, pray that God’s will be done. As my dear friends say, who themselves have estranged children, “We’re in it for the long haul.”

How can I suggest to know these things? A parable is a story that ‘lays down beside’ a biblical truth. They are ‘parrallel’. They are allegorical in that characters, events, and settings are symbolic. In this story, God is the Father and the Bible tells us much about the Love of God. We can know a little about the father in this story if we know THE Father.

What can we surmise from this story as it relates to estranged children?

-Some times, the hardest thing to do as a parent is to let your children fail. The father didn’t run after the boy, lock him in his room, or send his servants to bring him back. He gave him what asked for and let him go. He LET THE BOY GO. If the boy were to return, he would have to learn his own lessons, the hard way and come back broken. That’s tough love. By, the way, brokenness leads to repentance and repentance leads to reconciliation. The reason that forgiveness is necessary at all is because it leads to reconciliation. Remember that! You don’t want them to come back if they haven’t been broken by their decisions because what you should care about most is reconciliation and forgiveness doesn’t happen without repentance. This is clearly represented in the story of the prodigal son.

-There’s no guarantee they will come back. Many parents point to Proverbs 22:6, “Train up and child in the way that they should go and when they are old, they will not depart from it.” I remind you that is NOT a promise of God. It is a proverb. Children grow up to be people who make choices. While grief is very much a part of this process, condemnation is NOT. None of us are perfect parents. We all make mistakes. Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how to do it. Grief is appropriate but it’s a process that must be walked THROUGH faithfully. I’m told that grief changes over time even if it never really ends.

-I’ve heard many parents who have estranged children say, “All I can do is pray.” Remember that this is always your first and best line of defense. Praying and believing as a first response is an act of faith that says, “I trust God to handle this more than myself.” None of us want to feel like we’re out of control. This is a HARD lesson to learn but FAITH alone moves God.

-Remember the goal here. You want them to come back to GOD first. If they come back to God, they’ll come back to you. If they don’t come back to you in your lifetime, is God still good? We can’t see the big picture. What if it takes your passing to bring your child home? The picture of the prodigal coming home is not just a part of THIS story. A heavenly father wants your child to come home more than you do. He’s waiting patiently. The goal is eternity with God.

There is another aspect of this dilemma I would like to address here: Grandchildren. What happens when an estranged child won’t allow you to see or interact with your grandchildren? What if they alienate them from you and forbid you to see or talk to them? Grandchildren can often become the prized pawns in this game…if you let your son (or daughter) play it. I have three grandsons and the thought of not being able to be in regular contact with them is heartbreaking. In the spiritual order of things, you hold the higher ground as the elder parent. The commandment to honor your father and mother comes with a promise: “That it may go well with you and you might have a long life in the land the Lord your God will give you.” Parents are due honor and respect from their children. One of the signs of latter days in the Bible is the disrespect and dishonor that children show their parents. 2 Timothy 3:2 says children will not obey their parents in the great ‘age of deception’. It’s a sign of the times, isn’t it? Proverbs 30:17 says that a child who mocks his father and scorns his mother’s obedience will have their eyes plucked out by ravens. (And the young eagles will eat it!) Scripture is clear that honor and respect go to the parents. It’s not something you need lord over your adult children, but it is true and they will soon see that it ‘does not go well with them’ as they get older when they show dishonor or disrespect. When you run after rebellious children, at any age, you only invert the Godly order of families and confusion ensues. They soon learn that they can use their kids to get what they want from you and you simply empower them when you succumb to this. Your platform is stronger. Don’t weaken it by compromising it. Just a note on this: You’re NOT the parent in this scenario. You’re the grandparent. Honor that too. Stay in your lane again!

Everything that ‘bumps’ us in life reveals what’s inside that ‘spills over’. Anger? Anxiety? Fear? Bitterness? Don’t miss this season to deal with that as God wants to use EVERY situation in your life to become more like Christ. And draw near to God. As a matter of fact, this is exactly how to tell if you are dealing correctly with the situation. The emotions listed above will keep you from drawing near to God. So, if the situation with your children causes you to worry more or be angrier or feel more bitter or fearful, you can not draw near to God. The verse says, ‘draw near to God’ first. Then, he will reciprocally draw near to you. He’s waiting like the Father. Patiently. Come home.

Matthew 11:28, “Come unto me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light and you shall find REST for your souls.”